PART II: WISDOM I’VE GATHERED FROM MY 20S
DATING + LOVE
"bitch i'm back... by popular demand"
so! it seems you all enjoyed the wisdom i had to share on dealing with your career in your 20s {yey!!} -- that makes me feel like all my sweat, tears and ridiculous levels of anxiety were worth it. i did it for the culture. I DID IT FOR YOU!
allllright alllrighttttt- it's time for some wisdom on dating and love! {i know you're excited - keep it in your pants}
i may not be good at parallel parking or swimming {actually i don't know either of those things} BUT! i am really good at dating. that shit right there- well let's just say i have a phd on it. na'mean!
so pay attention, class is in session & if you have questions send me smoke signals
{better yet send me a tweet, i don't want ya'll playing with matches and blaming it on me}
so let me start with a little yari background: my first boyfriend was at 14 (he was 16) and i held on to my v-card until i was 21... aka the boys were in a constant state of WTF in college
{bc as ciara sang in '04: "looking for the goodies/ keep on lookin' cuz they stay in the jar"}
oh-oh-oh-oh....
-first piece of advice: date… a lot. that does not mean sleep around {i repeat, this is not me encouraging you to be promiscuous}. one of the best things i’ve done in my 20s is date. i've dated tall, short, black, asian, indian, white, jewish, latino, jamaican, fit, chubby, wealthy, broke, funny, oblivious, artists (wanna be artists), nurse, sales exec etc etc etcetera… and what this allowed me to do was to learn my likes, dislikes, what i can tolerate, what i can’t tolerate, how much i'm willing to bend, what makes me happy when i am with a man, my needs and wants. it also taught me about myself as a person and what i bring to the table in a relationship. i am indeed a better person for dating all these fellas {even if some were poor choices and unworthy of my presence}
-three essential rules {major key alert!!}:
1. don't be scared to make the first move. getting a no is not going to kill you. if you get a no then just go ask the next guy. i learned this by watching men at parties. i never waited for a guy to ask me to dance. i scouted the best dancers and then went up to them for a dance. scout, assess, and then make your move killah!
2. if a guy truly likes you he will make you a priority, no excuses. NO. EXCUSES. {ask any guy and he will confirm this statement}
3. never play yourself. if you're getting the feeling that you’re playing yourself. YOU PROBABLY ARE.... {this is likely the most important of the the 3 rules. however, this doesn't mean be a cold jaded asshole - that doesn't make dating fun at all}
-if you are getting sexayyy and taking off your pantaloons {bare with me, contrary to popular belief i can be awkward} -- ask for their sexual bill. i was never interested in a body count. that is not really important to me. what i care about {and you should too} is: when was the last time you got checked? let me see them papers boo boo. and maybe this kills the sexual vibes, but hey! would you drink expired milk?? i don't think so!! {did that metaphor make sense? no? oh well, let's move on}
-if a guy tells you “i don’t want a girlfriend” he actually means I DON’T WANT A GIRLFRIEND. so stop trying to change this man. {read: rule #3 under essential rules + the first piece of wisdom in this post... repeat until the above statement is no longer in question}
- i've had nine boyfriends since i started dating and all wifed me without getting the proverbial cookie, so yea - sex ain't everything {please note i am not looking down on women who like sex, because it's a favorite for me as well, i'm just saying is all i'm saying}
-to be totes honest- getting your heart broken a few times builds character AND you get to say things like "in hindsight, justin and I [insert realization here]". plus that’s why god created girlfriends- so you can cry/laugh and then go out and dance it off... with a really hot colombian guy who dances salsa like he was born to twirl you around for 5 hrs {a very true story}
-dating older men requires a bit of... risk. you really don't know what you're gonna get in that piñata. some might be sweet, some might be stuck mentally living in their prime, some might be pessimistic AF about love/commitment. also tread lightly, mami was not a fan of me dating a 40 yr old at 24 {love you mom! i was jk about it}
-if a guy cheats on you, walk away. if a guy puts his hands on you - CALL ME, so i can beat him with my louisville slugger and then press charges. no. seriously. abusive relationships of any kind are not ok. i was with a guy who was getting manipulative and was cheating on me so i did my best version of an irish exit. you deserve better baby girl - here is your reminder: choose you first!
-online dating can be awesome! it is no longer taboo {i'd get all sorts of side eye when i advocated for this sht, *sigh* always ahead of my time}. just be mindful/careful. every time i went on a date with a guy from a dating site i would send a designated girlfriend a photo and all his info, DON'T. GET. GOT. i've met a lot of dope dudes and two of my ex-boyfriends from dating sites {yes, i am aware they didn't workout but that's not the point of this point now is it?}
-it’s okay to be friends with ex’s - sometimes lovers make better friends {just draw that friendship line on very thick because men hate to be put in the friend zone - if you need pointers send me a tweet, i got a phd in this too!}
-protect the magic of your relationships, be mindful of who you tell your business to, not all your friends are rooting for your happiness… remember only you and your man really know what goes on behind closed doors. {with that said, i highly recommend a designated friend to be the confidante when you need serious advice and can't seem to decipher what your intuition is going haywire about - tho never eva EVA EVA disregard your intution}
-flirt : it feels good
**intermission**
dear fellas,
(*names have been changed for obvious reasons, i'm not THAT girl with a blog post*)
donald: glad you cheated on me in college, you didn't deserve me then and i learned to walk away from a guy because of you. also, thanks for forcing me to open up my first bank account, i really enjoy direct deposit and savings!
cristobal: not sure how we got together... but we did. you taught me to never allow myself to be in a pseudo relationship with a man and to never be with someone who discourages your dreams and passions knowing that you were meant to shine {you also taught me about penis envy, which i didn't have for you then nor will i have for anyone ever}
go somewhere wit'cho porn collecting ass
logan: thank you for the biggest heartbreak in my 20s. i look forward to being in love again, because i am really good at loving somebody
abraham: i learned how awkward it can be to date outside your culture/race when the world is confused by two people together. i choose to continue to date outside my culture/race because of that {really hope you used the boots i got ya, i now truly know that wb really don't give a fuck about holes in things lol}
sebastian: greek god {even tho you're south american} - being with you showed me that dating should be full of laughter and random fun nights! {also thanks for getting us into all those clubs, my girls and i really owe our partying from summer 08' to you}
kingston: i learned that when a man is emotionally unavailable and scared shitless about love, that is not my job to fix. i am not a fixer. after you, i didn't want anymore fixer uppers. my toolbox was spread across the ocean never to be found again. thank you for that. also, you showed me what a good deep conversation looked like with a man, how silence and a glass of wine counts as bonding, and the power of good sex in the am before work
hallelujerrrrrr
negril: i am a queen and therefore i should be treated as such. thanks for treating me like a queen, you raised the bar on that one. but the most important lesson i learned from us is that i want someone who can handle all my messy parts and won't run away from them. because as much as i am one of the dopest, realest, baddest bishes alive - i also have sht i'm constantly working on and the man for me will let me work through them while kissing my forehead, holding my hand and letting me indulge in a pint of gelato { what?? messy bishes are allowed to eat gelato... act like you dunno}
keyon: ey man! you were exactly what i needed when i needed it. fun, easy, supportive and most importantly you let me be ME around you all the damn time. you gave zero fucks about a lot of things and that made it easier for me to do the same. you made me comfortable with a lot of things about myself and taught me, or rather confirmed for me, that the man i want in my life will be my HOMIE before anything else
me being myself
thank you
**and we're back in 3...2...1...**
- i know that mr. big was the more exciting choice, but aiden really was the right one. check yourself and the men you're constantly picking if your pattern reeks of drama and misery, you don't wanna be that girl... nobody likes that girl
- ask. for. what. you. want. {fact: men are not mind readers. second fact: none of us are}
-having daddy issues is a real thing, i learned of mine later in my 20s but catching it has allowed me to work on it. if you realize you have something that is stopping you from having the types of fulfilling relationships you want with men, then i encourage you to take some time off the dating circuit and focus on you ! - {get you a therapist and don't be ashamed! ps- a psychic, tho fun, doesn't count}
-finally, no one loves you more than you {except for my mom, she def loves me at galactic levels} - so nourish that first! i have seen time and again that the girls who are the happiest and most comfortable with themselves truly attract the best type of guys. the power of attraction is so real! try different guys, dating is a buffet and you can go up for seconds as much as you want. when you find a guy who makes you want to throw your rolodex out the window and block all dm's - and ya'll are ALIGNED - go for it. being vulnerable is so fucking hard. but you'll never get the love you deserve if you don't jump in that pool {and this is coming from the girl who can't swim}. i am grateful above all else, that my 20s - with it's many ups and downs in the dating department- did not leave me emotionally crippled. i am and will continue to be an advocate for all things love and encourage YOU to live an emotionally honest life with yourself and those you choose to be with. there is no other girl like you in this world, so be kind to her...
ok now go ask that cute boy out !!
*pushes you into cute boy and runs away*
tune in next week for my third and final piece of wisdom on how to survive life in general in your 20s
peace & light - yari b.
{hey zendaya, rashida is gonna play me in the movie about me, thinking you can play the teen version... lmk! k. thanks}