FEELING GOOD AS HELL
Loving Your Body With No Shame
If you frequent Twitter, I’m sure you’ve seen a viral video going around of Jillian Michaels, of "The Biggest Loser" fame, shaming Lizzo for her weight on Buzzfeed’s video platform, AM to DM. When asked about political correctness in the health and fitness world, she goes on a rant saying that we’ve lost our sense of a middle ground when it comes to what kind of bodies we celebrate. She even mentions that it’s no one’s business to comment or judge on someone else’s body. Which I find to be hilarious, because not even five minutes later she goes on to comment on Lizzo’s body, saying, “Why are we celebrating her body, why does it matter? Why aren’t we celebrating her music? Cause it isn’t going to be awesome if she gets diabetes.” To that comment I say, how dare Jillian? Who made her the voice of authority when it comes to health and wellness, especially over women of color and our bodies? The sad part is that this isn't the only commentary around Lizzo's weight, and it's because of this that I wanted to share some of the struggles that many larger women of color go through, including myself.
Truth is, Jillian Michaels has made a career for herself off of shaming people for their bodies. “The Biggest Loser” has been on the air for 18 seasons, hailed as a reality show to help people lose weight with the incentive of a cash prize. The contestants were often treated cruelly, talked down to or forced to keep working out even if they were injured or sick. Often humiliated by the trainers who were supposed to uplift them on national television, this is not the kind of “positive motivation” Jillian would like you to believe it is.
In recent years, we’ve gone through a cultural shift when it comes to weight loss. It seems as though we’ve moved from a focus on dropping pounds to a focus on overall wellness. The success of Lizzo is something we wouldn’t have seen a few years ago, but due to the popularity of the body positive movement, we are able to see a bigger bodied person thrive. And isn’t it about damn time? I don’t know about you, but I would have saved so much time and energy on hating my own body growing up if there was someone like Lizzo in the spotlight. But sadly, as much as we uplift other plus sized women, fat-shaming is still happening in the world all around us. Sometimes, with deadly consequences.
Did you know that fat-shaming is something that happens often in medical environments? In fact, many plus sized women are reluctant to go to the doctor because of it. Many complain of having their legitimate medical concerns be chalked up to nothing more than “you need to lose weight.” This creates an environment of distrust and shame, which is the last thing you need when you’re trying to get the help and care you need. This experience becomes an even harder one when you’re a woman of color. Doctors have been shown to have a bias against black women in general when it comes to healthcare, so you can only imagine the fear that comes with routine checkups when you’re black and fat. Unfortunately, this bias leads many women of color to receive wrong diagnoses based solely off weight and race. In turn, leaving them to seek other options, which can be costly and take up a lot of time. The understandable reluctance to go back to a doctor can cause the real problem to fester and cause more issues down the line. I was shamed by a doctor once for having stretch marks. She was doing a routine physical and when she got to my belly, she exclaimed “Oh look at these stretch marks. That’s bad.” I was shocked into silence. Although this experience wasn’t as bad in comparison to others that have been reported, it definitely made me avoid the doctor for quite some time, in fear that I would be shamed for my body when I was just trying to take care of it.
That experience reminds me of one of the first times I ever felt uncomfortable with my body. It was in middle school, during a health class. We were learning about BMI and everyone had to weigh themselves in order to figure out their own. Which would have been fine, if not for the fact that we had to weigh ourselves in front of the entire school. We all lined up in front of a scale and I remember nervously tugging at my XL shirt from Limited Too. I had tried so hard to fit in like all the other skinny, white girls in my school, but to no avail, I was still trapped in my chubby, Afro-Latina body. I could never fit into Abercrombie or Hollister, could never get my hair straight enough. When it was finally my turn to get on the scale, I looked around, wondering if the girls behind me were waiting for their moment to laugh at the number that popped up. When I got off the scale, I cried. I had been no stranger to body shame, being told that my thighs were too big or that I’d be “really pretty” if I just lost some weight by the girls in my class. When cheerleader tryouts came around, we had to fill out a form with our height and weight on it. My Mother, as well intentioned as she could be at the time, put down my weight and added a note next to it - “Is working on trying to lose some lbs.” As if that was the magic clause that would free me from the shame of being bigger. We are never allowed to just exist.
We are taught to hate our bodies and to shame ourselves from such a young age. We have been sold countless diets and magic pills, hoping that this time the weight will go away and we’ll finally feel a sense of peace. But, that’s not necessarily true either. At least it wasn’t for me. I went through a period in high school where I lost about 60 lbs. Did all my problems go away? No, not at all. In fact, my self-esteem just got worse. I was even more aware of my body and so scared of gaining the weight back that I would subject myself to unhealthy restriction and calorie counting. None of it mattered, anyway. I ended up gaining the weight back. But, ironically, I never expected to be as comfortable as I am now in this bigger body of mine.
I’ve been seeing my body in a different light recently, accepting all the curves and rolls that grace me. This transition to acceptance didn’t happen overnight, though. It was a conscious choice, starting with the images I see every day. It’s well known that social media can influence our perception of ourselves and the world around us, so why not make it a good place to be? I unfollowed all the accounts promoting the infamous (and dangerous) Flat Tummy Tea and all of the accounts that made me feel bad about myself. If it sounds harsh to you, that’s okay. Controlling the media you consume daily is a very personal choice. It’s my belief that you should curate your timeline for you and only you. Think about what makes you feel good and follow more accounts of that nature. What I enjoy seeing on my feed are dogs, vegan recipes, motivational quotes and women of color with different body types. There are so many beautiful plus sized women of color, living unapologetically, in my feed. Seeing them embrace their bodies gives me the confidence to embrace mine. Some of the ladies I follow that you should check out are: @luhshawnay, @tabriamajors, @chaantellie, @thebtwn, and @priscilla.del.castillo
Another change I’ve been making is in my perspective of exercise. I used to view exercise as something to do to punish myself for unhealthy eating or something I HAD to do to lose weight. No wonder I never wanted to do it! It took awhile for me to get used to the idea that working out can be a huge form of self-love and self-care. I had to be mindful of how it felt to move my body. Whenever I’m feeling stressed out, exercise always helps me get out of my head. In fact, being active has been shown to help combat depression and anxiety. Not only that, but exercise can be a form of self-expression. It doesn’t always have to be in the gym! You can feel your emotions with a dance class, let out some steam with a boxing class, get out in nature and go for a hike or calm your mind with yoga. It was my personal experience that I loved my body more once I saw what it was capable of. And every single body is capable of doing amazing things, no matter your size.
Shifting my perspective of healthy eating helped as well. Once again, instead of being focused on restriction and dieting, I focused on what makes my body feel good. It’s all about mindfulness. I had to ask myself questions like “When I eat bacon and eggs with coffee for breakfast, how does it make me feel as opposed to eating oatmeal with some green tea?” What makes you feel energized, happy, full and ready to take on the day? Do you feel sluggish and ready to nap when you eat certain foods? I try not to classify certain foods as “bad” foods, because that places a stigma on them (I am still working on getting past this belief!) If I want a cookie, best believe, I’m going to eat it. If I’m hungry, I’m going to eat! And you should, too. Eating delicious foods is one of the many pleasures in this life and we shouldn’t be denying ourselves that joy. For me, eating veggies and fruits make me feel good in body and mind. Cookies make me feel good at the moment, but I tend to feel tired long after eating them. So, I find it helpful to not restrict myself, eat what feels right and keep moderation in mind.
The Body Positive Movement still has a long way to go as a movement, hopefully adding more inclusivity along the way. But for now, the little changes we can make within ourselves can make a huge difference in the ways we see ourselves and the world around us. As the great black queer author, Audre Lorde, once said “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” When everyone around you is trying to shame you into the status quo of skinny and white, being yourself and tending to that self in the way you see fit is a rebellious act, indeed. And isn’t that something to celebrate?
