Roommate Chronicles: Cardi* + the Doorman

Pt. 3 Recap: Cardi starts working at the strip club and twerks for tips!

I came home to a pair of large, black shoe-boots sitting at the front door.  I mean really, what the fuck is a shoe-boot? It’s right up there with a kitten heel. Very upsetting.

It didn't take long to find out who they belonged to. A big, dark haired, white guy in flannel was sitting on our couch watching football. His name was Duke* and was there for Cardi*.

Duke worked as a doorman at Omar’s. Cardi latched onto him her first night at the club when she realized he’d buy her as many drinks as she wanted. Duke liked Cardi because she gave him attention and company.

I should also note that Duke had Asperger Syndrome, a form of Autism that results in difficulty with social situations, challenges with non-verbal communications and sometimes issues with motor skills. For the most part he was just quiet. He talked to Cardi and no one else. But one time I was in the kitchen making dinner and he stood two feet behind me with a pot in his hand... I guess he was waiting for me to finish cooking, but it was really very off-putting.

Cardi had other plans for Duke’s Autism. Capitalizing on his limited understanding of credit cards, she convinced him to apply for three of them. One day they maxed out at Victoria’s Secret and Cardi came home with five bags of sequin sweatpants  and neon bras. He bought her Ugg Boots and coach bags. Took her to dinner all the time, clogging up our fridge with leftovers that she never ate. Perhaps the worst purchase was a waist-length, black wig with detachable bang. She wore that horrible ass wig all the time. It wasn't even a lacefront! Then, when the wig became so matted that she couldn't comb through it, she started wearing the bang.

Just the bang.

With a hat on top. Looking a mess.

Cardi was also sleeping with Duke. That totally fucked with my morals because I knew her only intention was to scam him until the money ran out, but if I told him Cardi was bad for him would he even listen? So, I confronted Cardi instead. I asked her why she was using Duke. She said she wasn't and actually liked him, but I knew for a fact she was still obsessed with her ex. So obsessed with him that he once threatened to file a restraining order against her if she didn’t stop sending him and his girlfriend Facebook messages. I told her she needed to end things with Duke if she didn’t have good intentions for him and she promised she would.

She lied.

A few weeks later me and BestFriend came home from an event. Something seemed off, but we couldn't tell what it was. But by the time I reached my room I’d figured it out. The TV was gone. We were pissed because me and BestFriend had gone half on the TV and we were right in the middle of a season of Basketball Wives.

We noticed the patio door was wide open. It only locked from the inside and the only person who unlocked it was Cardi because she was a chain smoker and often lost her keys after going outside to smoke leaving the patio door open.

Fucking Cardi got our TV stolen.

Bestfriend started yelling and must have scared Cardi awake because she groggily emerged from her bedroom with Duke in tow. “Somebody stole the TV ‘cause you left the fucking door open, Cardi. You need to get us another fucking TV!”, Bestfriend screamed. Cardi looked like a puppy that got swatted on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. She was scared and at fault so she promised to replace the TV and went back in her room with Duke.

The next day when I got home from school there was a brand new TV sitting in the living room, still in the box with a bow on the top. They even included the receipt.

It was paid for with Duke’s brand new Visa.

Tune in next Tuesday for Pt. 4 where you'll meet our fourth roommate Shea*.

Spoiler Alert: We learn an alternate use for kush.  



*Names have been changed to protect the identities of each person.