The other night my best friend made the strongest edibles in my life and what they did to me was the single greatest cathartic experience I've ever had.
A few months back I was dating this guy who is everything you could ask for in a boyfriend. He's thoughtful, sensitive, funny and romantic. On top of all those things, he also loved foodventures - which would become our Saturday afternoon ritual. We would meet for a late brunch or dinner and spend the entire evening together, sometimes into the wee hours of 6am. He was one of those guys that every girl should date, the one who reminds you of how special you are and how important your own happiness is. He was my Aiden and as a girl whose love (and sex) life is straight out of the Sex and the City plot - you already know this little introduction comes with twists, turns and the occasional ‘you're an idiot, Frankie.’
If you're asking where I met him, because you want one too, then look no further than the apps that are currently devouring your iPhone 6’s crappy, deteriorating battery. In this case it was Instagram. Him and I have plenty of mutual friends and acquaintances and this made me feel safe enough to engage this stranger’s conversation.
Sidebar: I always recommend that everyone use discretion when dating and flirting - but we should use extra caution if it's on the internet because #1 crazy people and #2 catfishes be cat fishing y’all.
So anyways, I had noticed him on my Twitter timeline months before he contacted me and always thought he was clever and enjoyed his sense of humor, which is the express lane into my heart. So this enigma of a man decided to DM me on Instagram one evening in March and asked ‘What are you about?’. I had never been asked such a direct question about essentially, some of the deepest parts of me... I was taken aback by his nonchalance and after a few witty exchanges, that was it for me. That one question clarified the nature of his interest and I understood that to be him asking me about what makes me tick and what inspires me, in that one question he was asking about what I love and what I'm passionate about. And so began our whirlwind romance of weekly ice cream dates, deep talks about existence and sweet outpouring messages of appreciation and gratitude.
However, four months later, I found myself wrenching my entire being away from this wonderful person who had become a major part of my life. I was in a hazy space of confusion, apprehension, uncertainty and as much as I hate to admit it – fear. As him and I grew closer I found myself inching away into my comfort zone which had become the inertia that is: being extremely single. I had gotten so used to being able to come and go as I pleased, I had gotten so used to not being responsible for how my actions made men feel about me and more importantly, about themselves. I basically become Samantha after my last boyfriend. Back then, I was Carrie and pleaded with my Mr. Big to come to his senses and love me – and when he got cold feet two years into our epic saga... I became a menace, a monster... I became a man-eater. The problem with this is – that I'm too sensitive for that and it feels unnatural to be apathetic.
So this brings us back to the edibles my best friend made.
She warned me not to eat the whole cookie and true to form, I ate the whole cookie. I was fine up until I got in bed and tried to sleep. All of a sudden I started to think about this wonderful man who I had stupidly and heartlessly cast aside in my own fear and because of my own faults and weaknesses. I started to feel really shitty about how I had broken things off with him and the guilt started to suffocate me. For a moment, I thought I was feeling everything that he did when I ended things between us. I couldn't bear the thought of him being in pain because of me and then the tears came. (I'm a crybaby so prepare for lots of stories that involve me crying). I felt so awful that night, I felt like I was hiding the truth. I was hiding from the truth, from him, and more importantly – I had been hiding from myself. Please believe me when I say that procrastinating to have those necessary moments of self-discipline will always hurt you more than it will help. Sometimes, doing the right thing is challenging but it should still be done. Doing the right thing is usually the most gratifying option and now I know what it feels like and I recommend that we all tie up our loose ends and shoot the sh*t with people whose memories still cast shadows in our minds.
The morning after that edible experience I woke up with one thing on my mind: HIM. Around 9am, I mustered up the balls to finally text him after going ghost on him for months. It was such an abrupt and irresponsible end that I had been so afraid to contact him and face the terrible music that I was DJing. I expected him to lash out on me and tell me about how I'm such an awful person for ending things the way I did, but, he didn't. For the sake of privacy and respect for him I will not go into the details of us; what we shared is sacred to me because through him and by his existence I have been able to conquer my irresponsibility and face my fear of commitment. He has taught me so much about grace and I am in awe to have been so blessed to meet someone like him. I say that to say this – honor those who have done right by you. Yes, we have every right to be selfish but it's usually not worth it when it's at the expense of good people. It's never too late to apologize, don't ever forget that. Asking for forgiveness is an entirely different matter but the actual act of apologizing can never come too late.
And if someone came to mind while you have been reading this - please reach out to them. There is nothing wrong with being a little selfish but sometimes we need to consider who is being neglected or hurt. If you find yourself in a position where you feel guilty about doing something then please reach out, even if it’s just to settle a misunderstanding. Unresolved issues have a tendency to periodically send us into fits of despair and the best way to avoid the crippling feeling of guilt is to resolve those problems! Whether we need to have a serious sit down with former lovers, friends, parents or workmates makes no difference - it's the attitude we have that changes everything. And if I've learned anything from HIM, it's the following:
Do all things with grace and your dignity will never suffer and your pride will never mind. I think a part of growing up is learning how to clean up after ourselves and figuring out how to right our wrongs. There is such an inexplicable feeling that comes after we can give that sincere apology that's been wrestling with our pride and fears. I honestly feel so amazing after speaking with him and acknowledging my wrongdoings, the guilt is gone and I am lucky enough to still be in his good graces. Take this as a sign from the universe to pick up your phone and call that old friend and apologize for missing her birthday, or you can take this as a sign that you did the right thing after calling him to apologize for being so heartless. Or you can just read this and be entertained by my sitcom-esque life and share this article with someone who might need it. Either way, your happiness is my happiness.
Oh, and s/o to you K, you’ve changed my life in ways that you wouldn't even begin to imagine and I am so grateful for your existence.
(image credit: seattleweekly / edit our own)